Letter to John J. Wall, Law Student and American

I don’t know if this horrible screed crossed your path. It’s a letter, written allegedly by a law student “and an American.” If it did, it should have gone into your spam box. It’s from a site known as The Minuteman, which links you to Renew America, which links you to such things as Phyllis Schlafly telling us why Obama’s stimulus package is all wrong, how the courts killed Terri Schiavo, how the fall of Adam marked Western Civilization, no mention being made of the Enlightenment, etc. It comes in at least one variation.

I don’t troll the John Birch sites or read Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin, so I would never have seen it if it were not for a born-again member of my family who loves to bait me as much as I love being baited. I thank him for it.

Here's the letter, titled Divorce Proposal, and signed "John J. Law, Law Student and an American" followed by my point-by-point response.

Divorce Proposal

We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile; slate it up to irreconcilable differences, and go on our own ways.

Here is a model dissolution agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement.

After that it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes. We don't like re distributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.

Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell (you are however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move them).

We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies, and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan Hockey Moms, greedy CEO's, and Rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.

You can make nice with Iran, Palestine , and France, and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protestors. When our allies or way of life are under assault, we'll provide them job security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian Values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, and Shirley McClain. You can have the U.N. But we will no longer be paying the bill. We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru Station Wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare, if you can find any practicing Doctors (that is practicing, Howard Dean) who will follow you to your turf.

We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.

We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach The World To Sing, Kum Ba Ya, or We Are the World.

We'll practice trickle down economics, and you can give trickle up poverty its best shot.

Since it often so offends you we'll keep our History, our Name, and our Flag.

Would you agree to this? If so please pass it along to other likeminded patriots, and if you do not agree just hit delete and hang on.

In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR on who will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,

John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S. Please take Barbra Streisand.

Dear John:

Thanks for your letter suggesting you conservatives and we lefties divorce and divide up the country. Let me take up your points (reproduced here in italics) one at a time:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement.

OK. We’ll take the East and West Coasts, the university towns, like Madison and Austin, Chicago, Colorado, Arizona and New Mexico – actually, come to think of it, no, you can’t have any part of my beautiful country. Let’s move on to the next point.

After that it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes. We don't like re distributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.

Now you’re talking. You can have the portion of the country where people like yourself pay a third of your income while the fat cats pay less than 10%. Without your complicity, this wouldn’t work. Have at it. As for the ACLU, yes, we’ll take them. They are the folks pushing for an open trial for Omar Khadr, who was captured at 15 or 16, brought to Guantanamo and tortured, and has been there these past seven years slowly going mad, without ever being able to have access to a lawyer or his family. Yes, by all means give us the ACLU.

Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell (you are however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move them).

You don’t hate war? Really? You can’t have the cops. We need them and the military to protect us from others who also don't hate war. But I won’t call them if you carry off the NRA. Let’s leave off the ad hominems.

We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies, and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan Hockey Moms, greedy CEO's, and Rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.

We’ll both be keeping capitalism. You can have the greedy corporations; we’ll take the rest. You can have Wal-Mart, but you’re going to have to start paying health and retirement benefits Wal-Mart fails to pay its employees. We’re tired of your tapping into our tax money to do that. “Beloved homeless”? The folks your man Reagan tossed onto the streets way back when? We don’t always love them, but we’ll take them. When Christ comes to visit, I trust you understand he’ll be spending more time with us than with you. You want Sarah Palin? Good Lord, she’s yours! Greedy CEOs come with the greedy corporations which you’ve already spoken for. Rednecks? No, we’ll have to argue over them on a case by case basis. If it were up to me you could certainly have all the Bibles. Who do you know other than Hitler, Stalin and Pol Pot who has done more harm than the folk who wave Bibles? Unfortunately, there are some on our side who actually read the Bible, and they insist just because you don’t understand it doesn’t mean you have a right to own it.

You can make nice with Iran, Palestine, and France, and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protestors. When our allies or way of life are under assault, we'll provide them job security.

Make nice with France? Now there’s a concept. Do you have the faintest idea what you are giving away? Crepes? Edith Piaf? The concept of human rights? Fois gras? Thank you, thank you, thank you. Read Reading Lolita in Teheran again before you give away Iran. You might have second thoughts. Palestine you don’t want to “make nice” with? Shall we go on for another fifty, sixty years like this, raising kids in refugee camps? Really? When our allies are under assault? We barely have allies anymore, thanks to your President Bush. I’ve been talking lately with people who keep track of Iraqi refugees. Did you know there are as many as five million displaced people in that country, including virtually the entire middle class? That the once well-educated populace is becoming one of the least well-educated – all thanks to your inclination to “invade and hammer” places that threaten us. Maybe if Iraq had actually threatened us, we’d have an argument here, but they never did. Unfortunately the educational level of the United States has sunk so low that we now have a critical mass of people who are willing to believe simply because the Iraqis shared a religious identity with the criminals from Saudi Arabia who hit the Twin Towers and the thugs working in Afghanistan and Pakistan (and not Iraq) who hid their leader, it’s OK to “invade and hammer” them.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian Values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, and Shirley McClain. You can have the U.N. But we will no longer be paying the bill. We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru Station Wagon you can find.

Your Judeo-Christian Values. “Blessed are they who invade and hammer…"?

You like your SUVs and oversized luxury cars? So do we, but are you really that clueless? Do you really not know what we’ve done to Planet Earth in recent years? Do you really not know how dire the problem is? Why is that? Do you not read?

You can give everyone healthcare, if you can find any practicing Doctors (that is practicing, Howard Dean) who will follow you to your turf.
We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.

Judeo-Christian values again. “Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these My brethren, ye have done it unto Me." Was it was Mohammad who said that? It really ought to be easier for me, who doesn’t live by the Bible, to throw the little people to the wolves. Why are our positions reversed on this? Next time you pray to Jesus, would you ask him to help me make the cut – which kids get medical attention, which kids get left out in the rain?

We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach The World To Sing, Kum Ba Ya, or We Are the World.

OK, you can have the Battle Hymn if you want it. We’ll share the National Anthem. Thanks for Imagine and those others. I don’t want them, but I know some who will appreciate them. None of them are “substitutes” for the National Anthem, though. We’ll really have to share that.

We'll practice trickle down economics, and you can give trickle up poverty its best shot.

It will give me no end of joy and fascination to watch you work your wonders with trickle down economics in this day and age. Lots of luck. We’ll be rooting for you.

Since it often so offends you we'll keep our History, our Name, and our Flag.

Good Lord, your history? Excuse me, History. You think History belongs to you? Are you on drugs? And the Flag (also capital F, I see.) No, you can’t have that. It’s our flag. Flag. We’ll even pay to have it cleaned, if you like. Somebody on your side smeared excrement all over it by torturing prisoners in our name. When it comes back clean, it will have to remain on our side, thanks all the same.

Would you agree to this? If so please pass it along to other likeminded patriots, and if you do not agree just hit delete and hang on.

In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR on who will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,

John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S. Please take Barbra Streisand.

OK.

Sincerely,


Alan J. McCornick
Retired and also an American