In Gulf War Primo, Halliburton and Co. and its chief executive, Bush Primo’s buddy Mr. Cheney, made out like bandits cleaning up the mess afterwards. Here we are in Gulf War Secundo and Bush Secundo’s buddy Mr. Cheney, now chief executive but one of whole U.S. of A., is about to make out like a bandit cleaning up the mess afterwards. Some people just can’t lose for winning. Perle looks like he's turning winning into losing when caught making $725,000 off of a deal thanks to his connection with the powerbrokers, but the fat lady hasn't sung on that one yet. Any bets on which side of Easy Street Perle will be on when the dust clears?
Other non-losers are the Congresspeople who voted for this war. Their sons and daughters are not going to die in Iraq. I believe only one of them even has a kid involved! But let's not go there; it's too class-divisive, to use the Bush spin on such topics.
With the Monroe Doctrine, the U.S. took on the right to tell the rest of the Western Hemisphere how to conduct its affairs. Europe, stay out. In retrospect, you can’t really fault America for being so aggressive about keeping the Europeans out. They weren’t very nice guys in those days, and probably wouldn’t be today if they hadn’t lost their empires. I for one am not sorry the Europeans were forced to stay out, but if we focus on the Western Hemisphere and not the Eastern, we can see it was a colonialist decree, and one that benefited the Empire, not the colonies. Their "protection" translated into controlled economies and rule by U.S. big business thugs. It’s not surprising so much of Latin America still rages today against the Empire.
Now we’ve got a new doctrine with Bush's name on it, and we’re back in the Empire Building business bigger and better than ever. The hawks are now in complete charge and today we’re mighty enough not merely to dictate what goes on in Latin America; we can tell the Middle East they are going to be democratic whether they choose to be or not. If we have to kill a few of them in the process, that’s realpolitik. Can't make an omelet without cracking eggs.
Incidentally, did you ever hear Dave Barry's explanation of the Monroe Doctrine? It comes in three parts, he says. Part I - Everybody has to stay out of Latin America. Part II - That doesn't apply to the United States. Part III - ha ha ha. Why is it so hard for me to think the Bush doctrine of democracy by war is anything but a ha ha ha as well? Why does it continue to catch my attention that the chief executive of Halliburton is a heartbeat away from being the most powerful man in the world. Hell, he may already be the most powerful man in the world, if that look on Bush’s face is an indication of what’s going on inside.
Why is it Secundo gets to repeat the mantra that Saddam Hussein is a bad man (and we gotta git’im) because he used poison gas in Gulf War Primo? Why don’t people scream at him to shut up about that twisted line? He is a bad man, who's arguing with that? He did use the poison. But we gave it to him, for Christ’s sake, and when he used it we gave him some more! And we gave him 1.2 billion dollars U.S. in credit and loans to boot! AFTER he used it. Anthrax! For Christ’s sake, isn’t anybody paying attention? We gave the Iraqis anthrax (OK, not we – Bush Primo did). The Senate Banking Committee has all the documents if anybody wants to look at them.
Weapons of mass destruction, what about them? After he used what we call weapons of mass destruction, we sent somebody to Iraq (OK, not we – Reagan did) to reassure Saddam of unwavering U.S. support. Who got this Saddam-smooching job? Donald Rumsfeld. Now we are waiting for the Iraqis to use these weapons of mass destruction which we gave them or the poison gas which we gave them against us. We will then be justified in saying, "See, we had to go to war because they had poison gas and weapons of mass destruction."
Know the joke about mixed feelings? The one that goes "that's how you feel when your mother-in-law drives off a cliff in your new Mercedes?" That's what's going on here with WMDs. You want them not to be there, because that will prove Bush wrong and all the anti-war protesters right, a two-for-one win. Three-for-one, because it will save a zillion lives. But then America will suffer the rage of the rest of the world for decades for having started this war on a lie. OK, maybe not a lie, just bad judgment that got lots of people killed. And if they do have WMDs and use them, lots of people will get killed, but we'll be off the hook as the international Rogue State of the Century. As a red-blooded American how could you not want that? See what I mean about mixed feelings?
It’s disheartening to read websites from around the world suggesting that the U.S. is going to have to plant chemical weapons or WMDs around the country to justify their invasion of the country. Disheartening because the U.S. credibility in the world is at an all-time low. From beacon of democracy to liar in a single lifetime. I remember at the Army Language School when we read in our textbooks that 400,000 people had died in a single night in a pogrom in Russia. "How come I never heard about that?" I asked the professor, an old tired Menshevik. "Because it was only 40,000," he said. "The textbook writers added a zero because they wanted to make certain you didn't miss what bad guys the Communists were. I told them it would backfire!" Backfire it did. We all mumbled something like, "Oh! Only 40,000!" As if killing 40,000 people in one night were not enough of a horror."
Lying backfires. One of those ironies of ethics -- honesty has a practical side. We're going in because he has weapons of mass destruction. Because he will use gas. Because he isn't a nice guy. The reasons all blend into a single justification, one truth, one speculation, one to-date dubious contention. And how about the "piece of cake" argument. They're going to welcome us with open arms! They all hate Saddam and will come out with white flags and flowers. Apparently the CIA and the military are up in arms at that one. Why didn't they listen to our own CIA when they said, "Careful! After thirty years of living in terror, the Iraqis are likely to surrender to an invader only after they have had time to be completely convinced Saddam is dead, plus maybe some time to get used to what that means." Why did they listen to Iraqi dissidents instead of more credible sources? Could it be they listened, as power structures almost inevitably do, to those sources their power creates to tell them what they want to hear?
I do this too. I want a world where Iraqis choose their own government, hash out policy after reasoned debate where all sides get a chance to speak, get to use their oil wealth to provide every Iraqi who wants it a university education, every woman who wants it a career. I understand the reason so many people have not worked to stop this Bush gang. We don't call it wishful thinking; we call it hope. But it's the same thing, and shame on us, the little inner voice tells us, if we surrender to cynicism and give up on hope.
But hope has to be based on looking through plain glass lenses, not these secrets and lies that spew forth from this most secretive of government cabals. The inability to tell the story straight is as much a part of this administration's modus operandi as its black and white rhetoric. The rose-colored approach by the Bush administration or what looks today like his Propaganda Ministry, the American Broadcasting Corporation, is going to backfire. All these human interest stories about men going off to war and how cute their babies are back home, how much their mothers want them to be safe, etc. etc. It's all in a good cause -- to make sure we don't take out our rage on the troops. But it squelches the serious questions about the fact that war kills people, and that the crap about being able to do this all from a great height and not kill (American) people is a very dirty lie.
Remember Madeline Albright's gaff when asked about the death of hundreds of thousands of children, "I think it's a price worth paying," she said. Not a way to win friends and influence people. Neither is calling a war where hundreds of Iraqis die but few Americans a "sanitized" war. What about, though, the argument "More Iraqis would die if we don't go to war," as the war supporters say. That's a tougher one. Can't pretend to know about that one. I'll tell you what occurs to me, though. Are you all that sure that you are willing to take the risk and put yourself forward as the person with the right to determine eenie meenie miney mo, this Iraqi has to go, and not that one? We're having a hard moment. Rumsfeld says now the war plans are all General Frank's doing. Really? Didn't he say it was his plan last week when things were going well? Not a pretty picture, this finger pointing. I hope we can get back to winning again, so we can stop this in-house fighting.
Boots on the ground. Love it. Sounds so get-up-and-go. Is anybody paying any attention to the fact that it means the Rumsfeld idea that we can do this without dying in great numbers (except for those who die in great numbers) by dropping things from a great height is now "inoperative?" Now it's boots on the ground. Which translates as "Oops! Maybe I was wrong about that great height business." Get this show on the road, mop 'em up in notime. Well, maybe a couple o' days. OK, maybe a couple o' weeks. OK, maybe a couple o' months.
ABC and other voices of the administration are now going on about the Geneva Convention. The Iraqis are wrong to show pictures of American POWs. We're not wrong when we show Iraqis up close surrendering? And if we hadn’t classified prisoners at Guantanamo as "detainees" instead of soldiers in this "war on terror" we might be in for a bit of Geneva convention noise ourselves. Fortunately that’s the right of Empire, to do the color coding and supply the labels. The news today is that we are beginning to release some of these Guantanamo prisoners, the ones we have decided are clearly innocent of wrong-doing, people the Pakistanis gave us without proper investigation. Here it is, fourteen months later and eighteen "detainees" are going home. Well, not exactly. They’re being dumped on the streets of Kabul without a penny to their names, if the New York Times has the facts straight. Innocent people, we say. Interviewed twice in 14 months and retained-detained some more. No compensation. No way to eat. No way to get back to their homes in parts of Afghanistan or Pakistan we can’t control. Damn it guys, if you want to be the good guys, you gotta stop this shit!
I liked it a lot better when Americans admonished the bad guys about not following the Geneva Convention without hypocrisy. George Duo, George Do-it-to-me-Again believes the supply side economists when they say it’s a good idea to cut $726 billion in taxes, 50% of which will go to America’s richest 1%, because it’s good for the economy. That will give the other half $100 a year more money than they had before. Hell, better not let the democrats interfere here and try to pay for this war or we’ll never get the economy turned around or bring the Dow over 10,000 and the NASDAQ over 5000 or build democracy in Iraq and then Iran and then Syria and then Saudi Arabia and then do you wonder why one of the dumb shit protesters in San Francisco drank some red stuff some white stuff and some blue stuff so he could puke the American flag? Cheney makes billions no matter how the war goes. Rumsfeld fulfills Orwellian prophecy. And Wolfowitz, Molly Ivans tells us, is suggesting the Pentagon reverse its "past constraint" against having the president invoke the national security exemptions written into some environmental laws. Hell, we got a war to fight. Can’t worry about the environment now!
Will somebody tell me how such a gang as this got to run this show? Will somebody tell me when I can join the folk in the stands shouting, "U-S-A! U-S-A!" Is this what a mother feels like when her son turns out to be a wife-beater?
Oiso
February 11, 2005
Friday, February 11, 2005
Saturday, January 15, 2005
Flying to HEL and back
Thanks to all of you who responded with sympathy to my diatribes against United Airlines and the (spit, cough, gag) Tokyu Hotel Chain. I was a tad surprised at the near universality of the responses. Only one soul agreed with my decision to extend my loyalty to United. One person said she’d rather take her broom. Another suggested Singapore. Dwight, my trusty companion through those 24 hours of hell would rather, I think, I had left that carcass of a travel experience buried in the ground.
Friend Dave offered a recommendation for Singapore. Lovely airline, I agree. Trouble is it means flying via L.A., leaving at 10:30 a.m. and arriving at 6 p.m. (as opposed to United’s leaving at 1 p.m. and arriving at 3 p.m.) and paying a whole lot more.
Not quite true. If you go through cheaptickets.com instead of the Singapore website, you can get a flight for about the same. There’s still that flying backwards bit to L.A., however.
Just to see what might happen if my loyalty were to waver, I checked with the other carriers between SFO and NRT. JAL is a serious contender at $964, and so is Northwest for fifty bucks more – nearly identical flight schedules as United, but I don’t get the frequent flyer miles and giving up United would mean giving up my credit card, with all the hassle that would involve.
Then things began to get weird. For example, I found I could pay yet another fifty bucks to fly Continental, but the small print informs me it’s not really a Continental plane but a Northwest plane. I should pay $100 more for Continental to print the ticket instead of Northwest?
I could fly ANA, but their flight is actually a United plane, and I’d pay more and not get the miles there either. And not get the bonus miles. And not get the seats with five extra inches!
Then there’s Asiana, of course. I could pay even more and fly to Tokyo with a 4 1/2 hour layover in Seoul, a total of 18 hours and 10 minutes en route.
Hell, once you start thinking about L.A. and Seoul, the possibilities are limitless! I could fly British Airways, for example. Now there’s a classy airline. Only $863 to Copenhagen and 13 hours and 20 minutes in the air. There’s an overnight stay till the morning flight (7:20 a.m.) to Tokyo, an additional $988 cost and an additional 18 hours and 50 minutes in the air, but there is the bright side. You've avoided L.A.
The runway length at Helsinki Airport is only 11,286 feet, as opposed to 11,811 at Copenhagen, but if I were to risk the loss of those 525 feet, I could use Helsinki instead. Their airport code is HEL, and while I no longer have heavy luggage like I once did when I used to carry bottles of olive oil back to Tokyo, checking my baggage to HEL gives me pause – never mind the shorter runway. Price is considerably higher, a total of $2231 via Helsinki as opposed to only $1851 via Copenhagen. I’d use Alitalia, but they want $3272 for the Copenhagen Narita leg alone.
Isn’t it curious that British Airways posts a fare online of only $1851.00 SFO to Tokyo via Copenhagen and Japan Airlines told me over the phone they wanted $2038.00! Now JAL doesn’t sell tickets online like everybody else, so their prices are a trade secret. You’ve got to phone and persuade them you really need to know. I gave the nice lady on the other end of the line the BA flight via Copenhagen information and she broke down and confessed I could get a cheaper JAL ticket if I were willing to phone their San Francisco office and talk to them directly. “You mean JAL in Tokyo can’t even tell me the price of the tickets their company sells in their SFO office?” “That’s right, sir.”
I knew that.
It’s an 800 number, which you can’t use without paying extra from overseas. I pay 2.5 cents a minute for my calls to the States, so it would add probably no more than thirty cents to the cost of the ticket, but it’s the damn principle of the thing!
Meanwhile, I sit by the phone and wait for United to call and tell me I am an important person to them. “We know you have other flight options,” they always announce as the plane lands at SFO, “and we want to thank you for flying the friendly skies with us today.”
Put your money where your mouth is, United. If you have any left after taping up that oil leak and paying off your bankruptcy lawyers.
And to think I’m about to retire and won’t get to do this anymore…
Oiso
January 15, 2005
Friend Dave offered a recommendation for Singapore. Lovely airline, I agree. Trouble is it means flying via L.A., leaving at 10:30 a.m. and arriving at 6 p.m. (as opposed to United’s leaving at 1 p.m. and arriving at 3 p.m.) and paying a whole lot more.
Not quite true. If you go through cheaptickets.com instead of the Singapore website, you can get a flight for about the same. There’s still that flying backwards bit to L.A., however.
Just to see what might happen if my loyalty were to waver, I checked with the other carriers between SFO and NRT. JAL is a serious contender at $964, and so is Northwest for fifty bucks more – nearly identical flight schedules as United, but I don’t get the frequent flyer miles and giving up United would mean giving up my credit card, with all the hassle that would involve.
Then things began to get weird. For example, I found I could pay yet another fifty bucks to fly Continental, but the small print informs me it’s not really a Continental plane but a Northwest plane. I should pay $100 more for Continental to print the ticket instead of Northwest?
I could fly ANA, but their flight is actually a United plane, and I’d pay more and not get the miles there either. And not get the bonus miles. And not get the seats with five extra inches!
Then there’s Asiana, of course. I could pay even more and fly to Tokyo with a 4 1/2 hour layover in Seoul, a total of 18 hours and 10 minutes en route.
Hell, once you start thinking about L.A. and Seoul, the possibilities are limitless! I could fly British Airways, for example. Now there’s a classy airline. Only $863 to Copenhagen and 13 hours and 20 minutes in the air. There’s an overnight stay till the morning flight (7:20 a.m.) to Tokyo, an additional $988 cost and an additional 18 hours and 50 minutes in the air, but there is the bright side. You've avoided L.A.
The runway length at Helsinki Airport is only 11,286 feet, as opposed to 11,811 at Copenhagen, but if I were to risk the loss of those 525 feet, I could use Helsinki instead. Their airport code is HEL, and while I no longer have heavy luggage like I once did when I used to carry bottles of olive oil back to Tokyo, checking my baggage to HEL gives me pause – never mind the shorter runway. Price is considerably higher, a total of $2231 via Helsinki as opposed to only $1851 via Copenhagen. I’d use Alitalia, but they want $3272 for the Copenhagen Narita leg alone.
Isn’t it curious that British Airways posts a fare online of only $1851.00 SFO to Tokyo via Copenhagen and Japan Airlines told me over the phone they wanted $2038.00! Now JAL doesn’t sell tickets online like everybody else, so their prices are a trade secret. You’ve got to phone and persuade them you really need to know. I gave the nice lady on the other end of the line the BA flight via Copenhagen information and she broke down and confessed I could get a cheaper JAL ticket if I were willing to phone their San Francisco office and talk to them directly. “You mean JAL in Tokyo can’t even tell me the price of the tickets their company sells in their SFO office?” “That’s right, sir.”
I knew that.
It’s an 800 number, which you can’t use without paying extra from overseas. I pay 2.5 cents a minute for my calls to the States, so it would add probably no more than thirty cents to the cost of the ticket, but it’s the damn principle of the thing!
Meanwhile, I sit by the phone and wait for United to call and tell me I am an important person to them. “We know you have other flight options,” they always announce as the plane lands at SFO, “and we want to thank you for flying the friendly skies with us today.”
Put your money where your mouth is, United. If you have any left after taping up that oil leak and paying off your bankruptcy lawyers.
And to think I’m about to retire and won’t get to do this anymore…
Oiso
January 15, 2005
Friday, December 3, 2004
Aiko and her Daddy Naruhito
You guys probably don’t know this Aiko kid. She’s a cutie. Just turned three and her face is everywhere. She brushes her own teeth now, we’re told. Pretty good, don’t you think, for the great-granddaughter of Hirohito.
She does more than that. According to an official announcement, "She plays by doing things such as climbing trees, throwing large balls, reading picture books, and playing house…." I wonder how they got those astonishing revelations past the censors. Somebody with loose lips, no doubt, in the Imperial Household Agency.
One pasttime here in Mikadoland for folk who don’t have better things to do is debating whether it is desirable to change the rules so that girls can become Emperorperson. (Empress sounds like the Mrs.) There are three arguing positions. Yes, if they are the oldest child of a ruling Emp. Yes, if there are no boys. And no. Never. Ain’t no way. Over my dead body.
The issue has come up because there is no male "issue," as they say. Don’t you love that phrase? Aiko’s mama has "issues." Well, one, so far. And the country’s all a-flutter over whether said issue is going to sit on the Chrysanthemum Throne some day and have people bow so low they’re down with the chihuahuas.
Something tells me if they make that happen there is going to have to be a dramatic change in the role of the imperial family in this country. If you allowed the regular folk here to have their druthers, they’d really like an accessible monarch. Not like the Norwegian guy who married a girl who already had a kid, maybe, but somebody like Diana, say, except without the penchant for foreigner playboys and with more of an ability to play by the rules.
I’ve become quite a fan of Aiko’s daddy, Naruhito. (I spend almost no time staring at Japanese newspapers pretending to read, so I just realized I don’t know whether the kanji for Aiko is "love child" and for Naruhito is "becoming a man." Probably not. But these would be nice names for your kids, don’t you think?)
Naruhito has my affection because he spoke out not long ago in favor of his wife, Masako. Masako was following the tradition set by her mother-in-law, Empress Michiko, who lost her voice and couldn’t speak for months. OK, you don’t want me to have an opinion on anything? Watch this, suckers!
I once said to a class that I felt sorry for Michiko, that what Japan was doing to its imperial family was on the order of child abuse. Probably all royal families get screwed this way, but the Japanese carry this kind of thing to galactic lengths. Masako, the daughter-in-law, and Aiko’s mum, tuned out recently too. She was, as it was reported, suffering from stress. Her illness is officially diagnosed as "Adjustment Disorder."
See why you have to cultivate your appreciation for the absurd to live in this country? Adjustment disorder? Hell, I’ve had that all my life! I’ve never adjusted to anything without kicking and screaming a hell of a lot first. Never had the money to have it diagnosed, in my case.
You're sick, dahlin'! We nailed your foot to the floor, and you're havin' trouble livin' with it. You got ADJUSTMENT DISORDER! Heal, dahlin, heal!
No, Masako, bless her heart, was (and is!) a very savvy woman. Harvard and all. Daughter of a diplomat. Toodled all around the world. Would have made a stunning diplomat herself, probably. But got tapped by the powers.
Sky opens. Lightning flashes. Goddess Amaterasu speaks. "We want you to consort with our next emperor. Marry. Make baby boy. Live in exquisite opinionlessness. Stop with the flesh and blood. Make like symbol. We will have this from you. Take all the time you need to give us your answer. We will have your "yes" by noon on Friday."
So Masako marries Naruhito and after eight years of trying with 126 million pairs of eyes on your uterus, issues Aiko.
"Job well done! Now give the lady back her life, for chrissakes!" Right?
No. Just as the US of A has its Jerry Falwell who tells fellow evangelists who hate war that they hate America, Japan has its Falwells who ride around in soundtrucks suggesting the goals of the co-prosperity sphere will be met if only Japanese people will rise from their lethargy and fight the good fight. And if Masako will close her eyes and think of Nippon. And do it again. And do it again and again (oh, can you feel the rhythm?) until she gets it right.
What an obvious solution, don’t you think, to let this little cutie who is already throwing balls and brushing her teeth take up the role. I know I’ve labeled it child abuse, but if they lighten up a bit and let her go to regular schools like young William and young Harry, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad.
And if that could be settled, maybe Masako won’t end up like her speechless mother-in-law. And Aiko’s daddy won’t have to get in trouble any more coming to the aid of his woman, whom he appears to adore. Emp-to-be has all the appearances of a lonely prince who thanks his stars daily he was given this marvelous gift of an intelligent wife when he might easily have been given a ditzy doormat instead. Wouldn’t it be better all around if we could say, OK, obligations met, now lighten the frick up!
Why am I so fond of Hirohito’s grandson, Naruhito? Just before he went off to Europe last May he made a statement to the press that he was sorry his wife would not be going along, and that the reason was she was too stressed out. Well, the doodoo hit the fan. Massive speculations about inner struggling within the Imperial Household Agency. Speculations about whether Naruhito would be betraying the secrets of the household with his buddies among European royals. Speculations over whether somebody would have to fall on his sword.
Naru's mama, the Empress Michiko let it slip that – and I quote:
When a member of a family is suffering, it is a source of sadness for everyone in the family.
And how did this get reported in the press?
Japanese Empress Michiko has given her sympathy -- and possibly a veiled rebuke -- to her daughter-in-law, Crown Princess Masako.
Rebuke? Rebuke?
Where the hell do you see rebuke?
OK, so Michiko also said
During all the years … the sense of heavy responsibility has stayed with me all the time that I should not disgrace the imperial family, with its long history, who accepted me, an ordinary citizen, as crown princess.
Howzzat for an original thought from a lady with a nervous breakdown who finally gets her voice back?
Michiko, also a commoner – yeah, like Lady Penelope Brotherington-Snuffworthy is a commoner – had it easier in one way than her daughter-in-law. She gave birth, like Diana, not only to Naruhito, but to a back-up, Naruhito’s younger brother Akishino.
Like British Royal playboy Edward who got to go down to Brighton and roar around with the ladies, Akishino, if you believe the scuttlebutt, knocked his wife up before royalizing her, but we don’t talk about that. Instead we talk about the scandal he raised on the occasion of his 39th birthday. Referring to his brother’s gaffe in saying nice things about his wife, Akishino had this to say. Are you ready? Fasten your seat belts. This is going to blow you away. I’ll give you the direct quote. I don’t trust myself with such hot material.
“I myself was surprised in no small measure, and I heard the emperor was also very surprised,”
Prince Akishino said in reply to questions from the Imperial Household Agency press corps prior to his birthday.
"I think he should only have made those remarks after first talking to the emperor about what he planned to say in his meeting with the press." . (Kyodo News)
Oh my.
Do you see the pattern? Michiko has a nervous breakdown. Can’t speak. Time passes. She speaks. Says exactly, but exactly, what the Imperial Household Agency determines she should say. Her boy Naruhito says he’s sorry his wife can’t go to Europe with him and the Imperial Household Agency decides the best way to handle this is to have somebody else imperial react with "surprise."
Jewish mothers move over. Here in Mikado land you can kill your mother and father by doing something that comes as a surprise. My question is not why did Michiko and Masako have nervous breakdowns. My question is how come everybody else hasn’t.
I could get killed for writing this. I’m counting on my small potatoes outsider status to protect me. The mayor of Nagasaki got stabbed, but he did call Hirohito a war criminal; I’m just saying I think Aiko is a cutie and I’m fond of her daddy. Leave me alone, fellahs.
OK. It’s now noon and it’s time to break for lunch. I have managed to diddle away the morning instead of reading student papers.
I’m off to the local bento-box café for a bit of little squiggly things. Hope they don’t put anything in it that surprises me and gives me a nervous breakdown.
Oiso
December 3, 2004
She does more than that. According to an official announcement, "She plays by doing things such as climbing trees, throwing large balls, reading picture books, and playing house…." I wonder how they got those astonishing revelations past the censors. Somebody with loose lips, no doubt, in the Imperial Household Agency.
One pasttime here in Mikadoland for folk who don’t have better things to do is debating whether it is desirable to change the rules so that girls can become Emperorperson. (Empress sounds like the Mrs.) There are three arguing positions. Yes, if they are the oldest child of a ruling Emp. Yes, if there are no boys. And no. Never. Ain’t no way. Over my dead body.
The issue has come up because there is no male "issue," as they say. Don’t you love that phrase? Aiko’s mama has "issues." Well, one, so far. And the country’s all a-flutter over whether said issue is going to sit on the Chrysanthemum Throne some day and have people bow so low they’re down with the chihuahuas.
Something tells me if they make that happen there is going to have to be a dramatic change in the role of the imperial family in this country. If you allowed the regular folk here to have their druthers, they’d really like an accessible monarch. Not like the Norwegian guy who married a girl who already had a kid, maybe, but somebody like Diana, say, except without the penchant for foreigner playboys and with more of an ability to play by the rules.
I’ve become quite a fan of Aiko’s daddy, Naruhito. (I spend almost no time staring at Japanese newspapers pretending to read, so I just realized I don’t know whether the kanji for Aiko is "love child" and for Naruhito is "becoming a man." Probably not. But these would be nice names for your kids, don’t you think?)
Naruhito has my affection because he spoke out not long ago in favor of his wife, Masako. Masako was following the tradition set by her mother-in-law, Empress Michiko, who lost her voice and couldn’t speak for months. OK, you don’t want me to have an opinion on anything? Watch this, suckers!
I once said to a class that I felt sorry for Michiko, that what Japan was doing to its imperial family was on the order of child abuse. Probably all royal families get screwed this way, but the Japanese carry this kind of thing to galactic lengths. Masako, the daughter-in-law, and Aiko’s mum, tuned out recently too. She was, as it was reported, suffering from stress. Her illness is officially diagnosed as "Adjustment Disorder."
See why you have to cultivate your appreciation for the absurd to live in this country? Adjustment disorder? Hell, I’ve had that all my life! I’ve never adjusted to anything without kicking and screaming a hell of a lot first. Never had the money to have it diagnosed, in my case.
You're sick, dahlin'! We nailed your foot to the floor, and you're havin' trouble livin' with it. You got ADJUSTMENT DISORDER! Heal, dahlin, heal!
No, Masako, bless her heart, was (and is!) a very savvy woman. Harvard and all. Daughter of a diplomat. Toodled all around the world. Would have made a stunning diplomat herself, probably. But got tapped by the powers.
Sky opens. Lightning flashes. Goddess Amaterasu speaks. "We want you to consort with our next emperor. Marry. Make baby boy. Live in exquisite opinionlessness. Stop with the flesh and blood. Make like symbol. We will have this from you. Take all the time you need to give us your answer. We will have your "yes" by noon on Friday."
So Masako marries Naruhito and after eight years of trying with 126 million pairs of eyes on your uterus, issues Aiko.
"Job well done! Now give the lady back her life, for chrissakes!" Right?
No. Just as the US of A has its Jerry Falwell who tells fellow evangelists who hate war that they hate America, Japan has its Falwells who ride around in soundtrucks suggesting the goals of the co-prosperity sphere will be met if only Japanese people will rise from their lethargy and fight the good fight. And if Masako will close her eyes and think of Nippon. And do it again. And do it again and again (oh, can you feel the rhythm?) until she gets it right.
What an obvious solution, don’t you think, to let this little cutie who is already throwing balls and brushing her teeth take up the role. I know I’ve labeled it child abuse, but if they lighten up a bit and let her go to regular schools like young William and young Harry, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad.
And if that could be settled, maybe Masako won’t end up like her speechless mother-in-law. And Aiko’s daddy won’t have to get in trouble any more coming to the aid of his woman, whom he appears to adore. Emp-to-be has all the appearances of a lonely prince who thanks his stars daily he was given this marvelous gift of an intelligent wife when he might easily have been given a ditzy doormat instead. Wouldn’t it be better all around if we could say, OK, obligations met, now lighten the frick up!
Why am I so fond of Hirohito’s grandson, Naruhito? Just before he went off to Europe last May he made a statement to the press that he was sorry his wife would not be going along, and that the reason was she was too stressed out. Well, the doodoo hit the fan. Massive speculations about inner struggling within the Imperial Household Agency. Speculations about whether Naruhito would be betraying the secrets of the household with his buddies among European royals. Speculations over whether somebody would have to fall on his sword.
Naru's mama, the Empress Michiko let it slip that – and I quote:
When a member of a family is suffering, it is a source of sadness for everyone in the family.
And how did this get reported in the press?
Japanese Empress Michiko has given her sympathy -- and possibly a veiled rebuke -- to her daughter-in-law, Crown Princess Masako.
Rebuke? Rebuke?
Where the hell do you see rebuke?
OK, so Michiko also said
During all the years … the sense of heavy responsibility has stayed with me all the time that I should not disgrace the imperial family, with its long history, who accepted me, an ordinary citizen, as crown princess.
Howzzat for an original thought from a lady with a nervous breakdown who finally gets her voice back?
Michiko, also a commoner – yeah, like Lady Penelope Brotherington-Snuffworthy is a commoner – had it easier in one way than her daughter-in-law. She gave birth, like Diana, not only to Naruhito, but to a back-up, Naruhito’s younger brother Akishino.
Like British Royal playboy Edward who got to go down to Brighton and roar around with the ladies, Akishino, if you believe the scuttlebutt, knocked his wife up before royalizing her, but we don’t talk about that. Instead we talk about the scandal he raised on the occasion of his 39th birthday. Referring to his brother’s gaffe in saying nice things about his wife, Akishino had this to say. Are you ready? Fasten your seat belts. This is going to blow you away. I’ll give you the direct quote. I don’t trust myself with such hot material.
“I myself was surprised in no small measure, and I heard the emperor was also very surprised,”
Prince Akishino said in reply to questions from the Imperial Household Agency press corps prior to his birthday.
"I think he should only have made those remarks after first talking to the emperor about what he planned to say in his meeting with the press." . (Kyodo News)
Oh my.
Do you see the pattern? Michiko has a nervous breakdown. Can’t speak. Time passes. She speaks. Says exactly, but exactly, what the Imperial Household Agency determines she should say. Her boy Naruhito says he’s sorry his wife can’t go to Europe with him and the Imperial Household Agency decides the best way to handle this is to have somebody else imperial react with "surprise."
Jewish mothers move over. Here in Mikado land you can kill your mother and father by doing something that comes as a surprise. My question is not why did Michiko and Masako have nervous breakdowns. My question is how come everybody else hasn’t.
I could get killed for writing this. I’m counting on my small potatoes outsider status to protect me. The mayor of Nagasaki got stabbed, but he did call Hirohito a war criminal; I’m just saying I think Aiko is a cutie and I’m fond of her daddy. Leave me alone, fellahs.
OK. It’s now noon and it’s time to break for lunch. I have managed to diddle away the morning instead of reading student papers.
I’m off to the local bento-box café for a bit of little squiggly things. Hope they don’t put anything in it that surprises me and gives me a nervous breakdown.
Oiso
December 3, 2004
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