People need to read the bible more. If they did, they would understand we are
probably going to have to raise taxes.
There are an estimated 152 million men in America. And, according to one source, about 57% of
them have committed adultery. If we did
as the Bible instructed us to do, we’d raise some serious tax money. Enough to put 866,000 American men to
death. I don’t know how typical Maryland
is, but in Maryland it costs about $3 million to execute somebody. $3 million times 866,000 is $2,598,000,000,000 if
I’ve done the math right. The good news
is, I’m sure once we really get the executions started, the cost will go down,
so we will not actually have to raise that large a sum.
Executing adulterers isn’t the only thing we have to take
care of. We need to apologize to the
Confederacy for forcing them to give up slavery. Maybe pay them some compensation for all the
years they had to pay an exorbitant price to cotton pickers after 1865. If we had read our bibles (as many did) we
would have concluded (as many did at the time) that the Bible not only approves
of slavery; it has rules for regulating it.
To wit:
·
"slaves, obey your earthly masters with
fear and trembling" (Ephesians 6:5), or
·
"tell slaves to be submissive to their
masters and to give satisfaction in every respect" (Titus 2:9).
Gay men have gotten away with entirely too much. No matter how hard they try, gay people
cannot deny that the bible says quite clearly:
·
"You shall not lie with a male as with a
woman; it is an abomination" (Leviticus 18:22).
And please note, in passing, that if you
read Luther’s translation, remembering that it was Luther who first translated
the bible into the vernacular so we could all understand it, you will find:
·
Du sollst nicht beim Knaben liegen
wie beim Weibe; denn es ist ein Greuel.
Which in English translates to “thou shalt not lie with a boy (sic) as
with a woman, for it is a horror/ atrocity/ anathema/ abomination."
Pick your translation.
English speaking people will find “mankind” where German speaking people
find “boys.” In either case, you get the
idea. Diddling is a definite no-no.
OK. So while we’re
into Leviticus, which Christians and Jews both agree is sacred scripture, look
what we find in the very next chapter, Leviticus 19:19:
·
Ye shall keep my statutes. Thou shalt not let
thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with
mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon
thee.
So no linen and wool, no mixed crops.
and in 19:26:
·
Ye
shall not eat any thing with the blood: neither shall ye use enchantment...
So no juicy steaks, looks like. And no reading of Harry Potter, which celebrates enchantment.
·
Ye
shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners
of thy beard.
No shaving your beard.
It’s in 20:10 where
you find the command to execute adulterers, which is where I began all this:
· And
the man that committeth adultery with another man's wife, even he that
committeth adultery with his neighbour's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress
shall surely be put to death.
Now there is a way out to the scary prospect of killing
866,000 or so of our fellow citizens, actually.
One can stop reading the bible literally. And one can cherry-pick.
Cherry-picking has gotten a bad name. It has come to be understood as "the overemphasis of token data that supports a preferred conclusion, excluding all contradictory evidence." Much of the time, it is a term associated with religion because it flows easily off the tongues of the self-righteous, the holier-than-thou who want you to know you’re a
sinner and they’re sinners too except that they’ve been saved so they’re in
God’s good graces while your ass is going to hell.
I think that's unfortunate. We have done ourselves a disservice in seeing cherry picking as a term with negative connotations only, when there is no reason not to see it as a synonym for using your head.
Personally, I’d just as soon chuck any and all so-called
holy scriptures out once and for all.
They’ve done – and continued to do – so much harm, riling up the
insecure and the low-informationals and making them bash about shouting things
like “Allahu Akhbar” or “Hallelujah,” depending on the part of the Eastern Mediterranean region their religion is native to. But I
appreciate that for every verse like Psalm 137:9
Happy shall he be, that
taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.
there are verses like
the six verses of the 23rd Psalm:
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall
not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green
pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me
in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the
valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy
rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in
the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth
over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall
follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
for ever.
And you don’t have to be a Christian, or even believe in
God, to recognize how beautiful those words are in the English language and how
comforting they are to folks who see themselves as helpless and vulnerable
little sheep and their deity as a kind of shepherd. The “valley of the shadow of death” in this
poem makes this passage popular at funerals.
I wouldn’t want to take this inspired piece from anyone. And not just because it’s carved into my dear
grandparents’ gravestone.
Feel like you need some inspiration to get yourself out of
bed and go to work so you can afford some new clothes?
Try Proverbs 13:4:
The soul of the sluggard craves and gets nothing, while
the soul of the diligent is richly supplied.
Looking for a
reason to take a day off and stay home instead?
Try Matthew 6:28:
And why take ye
thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil
not, neither do they spin:
We sneer at Catholics who practice birth control and call them hypocrites. Well, I don’t, but some people do. We also call them “cafeteria catholics,” and imply
that they are lazy and irresponsible for selecting only the rules established
by their ruling hierarchy and by scripture which it suits them to follow.
“Don’t kill?”
“Absolutely. Wouldn’t
dream of it.”
“Don’t eat meat on Friday.”
“OK.”
“OK now to eat meat on Friday.”
“OK.”
“Don’t masturbate.”
“Can we change the subject?”
“Don’t marry outside the faith.”
“I know it’s wrong, but I love him.”
“Don’t divorce.”
“You try living with this asshole!”
Anybody who actually does
read the Bible – I mean really read the Bible – confirms early on what common
sense and an education beyond grade school will make plain – that the Bible was
not written by a deity or by folks whose hands are guided by a deity, but by a lot of different people in different times and places, working within a faith
community and sharing common attitudes, values and beliefs, for the most part,
each putting the tribe or community’s knowledge in writing. Since it’s done over time, discrepancies have
crept in. It should surprise nobody that
the two different sets of writers of Genesis have different notions of how
things started. One version has Adam and
Eve created at the same time. The other
has Eve created later. The quaint tale
of God getting up each day and going to work to create different things on
different days is a curiously human idea of how one goes to work, complete with
taking a nap when it’s all over. Hardly
the image of a god who, if he chose, could do it all at once at the snap of his
human-like fingers.
Such inconsistencies are of little consequence to folks who
cherry-pick the bible and find in it an appeal to love one’s neighbors and
forgive people who wrong you. It’s no
more possible to do that in most cases, but it feels right. There is something praiseworthy about the
notions. It matches our gut feelings and
the life experiences we build up which have led us to an understanding of right
and wrong and the advantage of supporting the right to the greatest degree
possible. People who read the bible for
inspiration, for positive thinking, for its comforting notion that there is a
big daddy out there who will take care of you and explain away all the
absurdities and injustices that plague our everyday, those people – let’s call
them seekers – make one understand that religion need not be cruel and
destructive. In fact, it’s only cruel
and destructive if you cherry-pick the wrong parts. If you ignore the love/duty/friendship/charity
portions of the Qur’an and stress the militant parts, for example. If you sing praises to the Lord of Hosts
(ever stop to realize that Hosts means armies?) instead of the Lord who makes
the blind to see. And while we’re at it,
“Heavenly hosts?” Really? God needs an army in heaven?
There’s a battle going on over whether Islam is really a religion of peace, as its name
implies. Or whether, as people like
Hamed Abdel-Samad and Sam Harris like to claim, Islam is inherently violent and
that ISIS and Al Qaeda and all the other Islamic terrorists are merely “reading
their Qur’an correctly.” Yes, the answer
is. They are reading their Qur’an
correctly. They open it up, see that its
tells them to cut off the heads of infidels, and go out and do their god’s
bidding. There was a time when the pope
got Christians to behave in like manner.
They were reading their scriptures correctly. What they were not doing was cherry-picking,
recognizing that their so-called holy scriptures are compendia of history of
their tribe at different stages in its development and therefore by nature
wide-ranging in scope and contradictory in content.
Don’t want to bash the brains of your enemies’ kids against
a rock? Don’t. Cherry-pick that part out and toss it in the
trashcan of history, something from a time of intense hatred of one’s enemies and
the need to be brutal and heartless.
Don’t like the rule in Deuteronomy 22:28-29 that says
If a man meets a virgin who is not betrothed, and seizes her and
lies with her, and they are found, then the man who lay with her shall give to
the father of the young woman fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his
wife, because he has violated her. He may not divorce her all his days.
Toss it out.
Recognize that we have evolved as a society where women are not the
property of men any longer, and put that rule in the “no longer relevant”
column, along with the rules for not eating pork or shellfish.
Time to take a second look at the word “cherry-pick.”
It’s not a word to throw at people with a sneer.
When I lived in Saudi Arabia I remember talking about
abortion with one of my students. Not a
very well-educated young man, not traveled, not sophisticated. “What does the Qur’an say about abortion?” I
asked him. “I don’t think it says
anything about abortion,” he answered.
“I think that’s one of the places where Allah wants you to use the brain
he gave you to make your own decision.”
A Protestant might have an easier time with his answer than
a traditionalist Catholic. But in the end, thinking Christians can
agree with thinking Muslims and Jews and others as well that right and wrong are not something you
look up in a book. You deal with it as
best you can. You struggle with moral
dilemmas, you use the wisdom of your community and loved ones to find a course
of behavior to follow. You may even use some holy scriptures on occasion for inspiration.
But you cherry-pick.
Pick
the good parts.
Leave the rest.