Saturday, July 1, 2006

Memo to Alfonso Lopez Trujillo

Alfonso Lopez Trujillo
Cardinal Bishop of Suburbicarian See of Friscati
Pontificium Consilium pro Familia
00153 Roma, Piazza S. Calisto, 16

Alfonso, honey, I want you to listen up. I just learned you’re back up on the excommunication bandwagon. Take them far far away from JESUS, you say, those sneaky bastards seeking a solution to Alzheimers and Parkinsons and God knows what kinds of intractible diseases, through stem-cell research. Send them to HELL!

Oh, come on, Al, you know nobody takes you boys seriously anymore. Can you say Re-for-ma-tion? Nobody really still believes you when you make yourself out to be God’s social secretary.

Look. I know it drives you to sing in tones heard only by dogs and some teenagers that gays are marrying in Spain, and adopting children and keeping families together all over the world you’d rather leave in orphanages or separated in different foster homes, you proud defender of The Family. I know you don’t like it that people are looking at things under microscopes best kept in the bedroom with the lights out. But excommunication!? The same penalty we assign to people who wear white after Labor Day?

Nancy Reagan and I agree on precious little, but we both have this yearning for an end to the misery her old man went through before his reward. I’ll wager Nancy’s relationship to God is not challenged by the fact she views things differently from you.

So get a life, your Eminence. And cut this crap about excommunicating people for having a different way to Heaven from your own. You may believe that every little sperm is sacred, but it ain’t necessarily so.

If you care so damn much about life, quit trying to take it away from people working in sincerity to make a better world. Koreans, for example.

Really, Alfie, you’re embarrassing yourself.


P.S. And that suggestion of yours that condom packages should carry warnings that they don’t work very well and the AIDS virus is teeny weeny and slips right through? Man, somebody needs to spank you.

No comments: