Monday, July 13, 2009

Eight Proofs the FSM exists

I met a man the other day who had the gall to tell me there was no Flying Spaghetti Monster. I was speechless. I didn’t know what to say, so I’ve spent the last several days planning what I will say to this man if I ever see him again.

Those of us who know he exists in our hearts need no further help with our faith, I will tell him. But I understand some people are persuaded only by what goes on in their heads.

It’s not as if there were no proof. Check out:

But if you aren’t willing to believe your eyes and still want reasoned argument, consider:

Fact 1: I live on 2734 Ellsworth Street in Berkeley, and Ellsworth is the 2734th most popular family name in Indiana.

Imagine, telling me there is no spaghetti monster in the sky who knows when every little sparrow falls and dashes his brains on the rocks.

Fact 2: Ms. Amy Ellsworth of Seattle has a zip code which turns out to be 98144-2734

And if you think the zip code is mere coincidence, Smarty Pants, why is it that

Fact 3: The Downeast Refinishing Company of Ellsworth, Maine’s zip code is 04605-2734

Amy Ellsworth of Seattle 98144-2734
Downeast Refinishing of Ellsworth, Main, 04065-2734

Must I cross all the T’s and dot all the I’s for you? Will nothing persuade you?

I imagine him still resisting. I am undaunted.

Fact 4: The Big Apple Store on 115 S Main St in Brewer, Maine, has the phone number (207) 989-2734, and Brewer, ME is less than twenty miles from Ellsworth, ME!!!

For that matter, if only divine evidence will persuade you, Mr. Smarty Pants know it all,

Fact 5: The Alton Methodist Church is less than fifty miles from Ellsworth. And what is their number? (207) 394-2734. Go ahead, look it up, oh you stranger person of little faith.

You want more?

Fact 6: Jamesco Tradeshow Displays of Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio, which is only 52.7 miles from Ellsworth, OH has the phone number 330-929-2734. (You’ll have to google Jamesco and the check Google Maps to verify this, but trust me, it’s God’s honest truth.)

Maybe not all that convincing in and of itself, but when you put it together with

Fact 7: Ellsworth Trucking Long Haul company of Wisconsin has an office on 13699 W Thannum Fire Ln in Hayward, WI 54843 and their phone number is (715) 634-2734,

you’ll have to admit reason and logic has not been left out when defending our faith in the FSM.

And finally, for now,

Fact 8: If you go to the internet dialup service “Please Assist”, and click on usanumbers, then click on Me.html (for Maine), you’ll see that the access number for Ellsworth, Maine, is (are you ready?)
(207) 664-2734
I could go on and on, of course, but I trust you’ll agree I’ve made my case.

The Spaghetti Monster exists.

Sometimes I get so impatient with doubters.

Wish I’d gotten his name.

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