Thursday, December 9, 2010

Eat your heart out, Fatima

Eat your heart out, Fatima. Cry your eyes out, Guadalupe. The United States of America rules!

While all you folks were fussing around about whether the Leona Helmsleys of this country should continue to be able to give twelve million dollars to their dogs when they die, while almost thirteen million of America’s children live below the poverty line … Or about why our bridges fall down, our educational standards drop, and our grandchildren get saddled with ever more debt … you may have missed what has been hailed by some as the most important event in America’s history.

The blessed Virgin Mary’s appearance in Green Bay, Wisconsin really happened.

It took a hundred and fifty years, but it is now official. The Mormons will tell you Jesus Christ came to the United States, and now the Catholics will tell you no he didn't, but Mary did.

Mary appeared to a little Belgian immigrant girl, and since then people have been throwing away their crutches right and left.

I know, I know. You sceptics are wondering why there has never been a case of a missing limb growing back, why she doesn't seem to care a whole lot about the thousands of kids who still needed their crutches when they left, or why Mary makes these miracles only for those with enough money to get to rural Wisconsin for the display of her power to persuade Papa (the one in heaven, not the one in Rome) to change the laws of nature because she asked him to. But you don't wear a pointy hat, so I know I don't have to take you seriously.

I can’t tell you how much better I feel today.

It’s always bugged the shit out of me that the United States could not compete with Mexico, Portugal and Poland when it came to certified apparitions.

Know how many kids from families earning more than $85,000 a year will finish college? - Only half. (But that’s the good news. The bad news is if your parents earn less than $35,000, your chances are one in seventeen.)

But why dwell on the fact that Russia, Canada, Israel, Japan and New Zealand all turn out more college graduates, when we now kick ass apparition-wise.

All you cynics out there need to pull your socks up and look on the bright side.

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