Civil Marriage, Sanctified Marriage

On the opinion page of this morning’s San Francisco Chronicle is a piece by Douglas W. Kmiec and Shelley Ross Saxer, professors of law at Pepperdine, Ken Starr’s university, suggesting for the n’th time a solution to the gay marriage problem which they offer up as a compromise – gays can marry, they just need to give up the word.

Compromises are good when they are both fair and necessary. This one is neither.

To revisit this old argument one more time, Proposition 8 would never have happened if we had done what most civilized nations do. Start off by considering marriage a contract, acknowledge it is one of government’s duties to oversee contracts, and go from there. When you marry in Ouagadougou, you don’t get the Bishop of Rome’s signature on your marriage certificate; your Burkina Faso francs go to pay the fees at the local magistrate's office. Locally, marriage may involve grinding the grain and giving flour to the old women of the village (religion, in other words), but when you come to get your doctorate in divinity at Yale and want to bring your wife with you, the U.S. visa office wants the marriage license, not the flour.

Why do educated Americans – law professors yet – think we are the only people in the world to get married? That we are the only people to use the word marry? The Emperor of Japan marries the Empress in a religious ceremony, but when Mrs. Empress collects social security, it’s the state that checks her entitlement, not the goddess Amaterasu.

Try getting married in church in France or Germany or Mexico or Japan or China or just about any place where people live in the 21st century without having your marriage processed by state authorities, and see how married they consider you.

There is absolutely no justification to the claim that the church owns the word marriage, much less the concept. The notion existed before the church was invented; it will be around long after people forget how to play bingo.

Kmiec and Saxer are a breath of fresh air in the Prop. 8 camp, I must admit. At long last we have Prop. 8 voices that want to recognize church-state separation. But their insistence that the church has authority over the word marriage – never mind that nobody “owns” words – reminds me of the burglar who takes your TV and your VCR and when you catch him at it, suggests you compromise and let him keep the VCR. He may trick you into thinking you’re a cad for not wanting to compromise. But don’t lose sight of the fact it wasn’t his in the first place.

By all means let’s take the good part of Kmiec and Saxer. Separate church and state. Get Americans used to doing what they do in France. Marry in City Hall. Then, if you wish, bless that union in a church. Gussy it up any way you like, flowers, Cousin Gladys singing Ave Maria, the works. The license will say you were married by the city clerk, heaven will say you were married by Father Patrick down at St. Brigid’s. Everybody will be happy, and infelicitous word constructs like domestic partnership can go the way of the icebox and the Stanley steamer.

Consider K & S's alternative. We once again go our own way from the modern world, and use “marriage” to represent only those unions sanctified in a Christian church. We insist when a Spanish couple comes to New York that they erase the checkmark they put next to "married" and put one next to “in a domestic partnership” instead. First, of course, we have to ask them whether they were married in a church or by a civil authority. When they say they were married by a judge and are therefore esposo and esposa, we correct them and say, “Not here, you ain’t buster. Here you’re merely 'partners domésticos.'”

Good idea, Kmiec and Saxer, to have two separate institutions, each with their own ceremonies. We’ll call them civil marriage and sanctified marriage. The state will control the former via the IRS and the divorce courts and we will all participate in how the rules for this are made. The latter will be up to the angels and their agents on the ground and need not concern the rest of us.

Letter to John J. Wall, Law Student and American

I don’t know if this horrible screed crossed your path. It’s a letter, written allegedly by a law student “and an American.” If it did, it should have gone into your spam box. It’s from a site known as The Minuteman, which links you to Renew America, which links you to such things as Phyllis Schlafly telling us why Obama’s stimulus package is all wrong, how the courts killed Terri Schiavo, how the fall of Adam marked Western Civilization, no mention being made of the Enlightenment, etc. It comes in at least one variation.

I don’t troll the John Birch sites or read Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin, so I would never have seen it if it were not for a born-again member of my family who loves to bait me as much as I love being baited. I thank him for it.

Here's the letter, titled Divorce Proposal, and signed "John J. Law, Law Student and an American" followed by my point-by-point response.

Divorce Proposal

We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile; slate it up to irreconcilable differences, and go on our own ways.

Here is a model dissolution agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement.

After that it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes. We don't like re distributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.

Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell (you are however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move them).

We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies, and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan Hockey Moms, greedy CEO's, and Rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.

You can make nice with Iran, Palestine , and France, and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protestors. When our allies or way of life are under assault, we'll provide them job security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian Values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, and Shirley McClain. You can have the U.N. But we will no longer be paying the bill. We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru Station Wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare, if you can find any practicing Doctors (that is practicing, Howard Dean) who will follow you to your turf.

We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.

We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach The World To Sing, Kum Ba Ya, or We Are the World.

We'll practice trickle down economics, and you can give trickle up poverty its best shot.

Since it often so offends you we'll keep our History, our Name, and our Flag.

Would you agree to this? If so please pass it along to other likeminded patriots, and if you do not agree just hit delete and hang on.

In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR on who will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,

John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S. Please take Barbra Streisand.

Dear John:

Thanks for your letter suggesting you conservatives and we lefties divorce and divide up the country. Let me take up your points (reproduced here in italics) one at a time:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement.

OK. We’ll take the East and West Coasts, the university towns, like Madison and Austin, Chicago, Colorado, Arizona and New Mexico – actually, come to think of it, no, you can’t have any part of my beautiful country. Let’s move on to the next point.

After that it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes. We don't like re distributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.

Now you’re talking. You can have the portion of the country where people like yourself pay a third of your income while the fat cats pay less than 10%. Without your complicity, this wouldn’t work. Have at it. As for the ACLU, yes, we’ll take them. They are the folks pushing for an open trial for Omar Khadr, who was captured at 15 or 16, brought to Guantanamo and tortured, and has been there these past seven years slowly going mad, without ever being able to have access to a lawyer or his family. Yes, by all means give us the ACLU.

Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell (you are however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move them).

You don’t hate war? Really? You can’t have the cops. We need them and the military to protect us from others who also don't hate war. But I won’t call them if you carry off the NRA. Let’s leave off the ad hominems.

We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies, and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan Hockey Moms, greedy CEO's, and Rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.

We’ll both be keeping capitalism. You can have the greedy corporations; we’ll take the rest. You can have Wal-Mart, but you’re going to have to start paying health and retirement benefits Wal-Mart fails to pay its employees. We’re tired of your tapping into our tax money to do that. “Beloved homeless”? The folks your man Reagan tossed onto the streets way back when? We don’t always love them, but we’ll take them. When Christ comes to visit, I trust you understand he’ll be spending more time with us than with you. You want Sarah Palin? Good Lord, she’s yours! Greedy CEOs come with the greedy corporations which you’ve already spoken for. Rednecks? No, we’ll have to argue over them on a case by case basis. If it were up to me you could certainly have all the Bibles. Who do you know other than Hitler, Stalin and Pol Pot who has done more harm than the folk who wave Bibles? Unfortunately, there are some on our side who actually read the Bible, and they insist just because you don’t understand it doesn’t mean you have a right to own it.

You can make nice with Iran, Palestine, and France, and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protestors. When our allies or way of life are under assault, we'll provide them job security.

Make nice with France? Now there’s a concept. Do you have the faintest idea what you are giving away? Crepes? Edith Piaf? The concept of human rights? Fois gras? Thank you, thank you, thank you. Read Reading Lolita in Teheran again before you give away Iran. You might have second thoughts. Palestine you don’t want to “make nice” with? Shall we go on for another fifty, sixty years like this, raising kids in refugee camps? Really? When our allies are under assault? We barely have allies anymore, thanks to your President Bush. I’ve been talking lately with people who keep track of Iraqi refugees. Did you know there are as many as five million displaced people in that country, including virtually the entire middle class? That the once well-educated populace is becoming one of the least well-educated – all thanks to your inclination to “invade and hammer” places that threaten us. Maybe if Iraq had actually threatened us, we’d have an argument here, but they never did. Unfortunately the educational level of the United States has sunk so low that we now have a critical mass of people who are willing to believe simply because the Iraqis shared a religious identity with the criminals from Saudi Arabia who hit the Twin Towers and the thugs working in Afghanistan and Pakistan (and not Iraq) who hid their leader, it’s OK to “invade and hammer” them.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian Values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, and Shirley McClain. You can have the U.N. But we will no longer be paying the bill. We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru Station Wagon you can find.

Your Judeo-Christian Values. “Blessed are they who invade and hammer…"?

You like your SUVs and oversized luxury cars? So do we, but are you really that clueless? Do you really not know what we’ve done to Planet Earth in recent years? Do you really not know how dire the problem is? Why is that? Do you not read?

You can give everyone healthcare, if you can find any practicing Doctors (that is practicing, Howard Dean) who will follow you to your turf.
We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.

Judeo-Christian values again. “Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these My brethren, ye have done it unto Me." Was it was Mohammad who said that? It really ought to be easier for me, who doesn’t live by the Bible, to throw the little people to the wolves. Why are our positions reversed on this? Next time you pray to Jesus, would you ask him to help me make the cut – which kids get medical attention, which kids get left out in the rain?

We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach The World To Sing, Kum Ba Ya, or We Are the World.

OK, you can have the Battle Hymn if you want it. We’ll share the National Anthem. Thanks for Imagine and those others. I don’t want them, but I know some who will appreciate them. None of them are “substitutes” for the National Anthem, though. We’ll really have to share that.

We'll practice trickle down economics, and you can give trickle up poverty its best shot.

It will give me no end of joy and fascination to watch you work your wonders with trickle down economics in this day and age. Lots of luck. We’ll be rooting for you.

Since it often so offends you we'll keep our History, our Name, and our Flag.

Good Lord, your history? Excuse me, History. You think History belongs to you? Are you on drugs? And the Flag (also capital F, I see.) No, you can’t have that. It’s our flag. Flag. We’ll even pay to have it cleaned, if you like. Somebody on your side smeared excrement all over it by torturing prisoners in our name. When it comes back clean, it will have to remain on our side, thanks all the same.

Would you agree to this? If so please pass it along to other likeminded patriots, and if you do not agree just hit delete and hang on.

In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR on who will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,

John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S. Please take Barbra Streisand.

OK.

Sincerely,


Alan J. McCornick
Retired and also an American

Beautiful People

With all the hullabaloo about gay marriage these days, all the focus on civil rights, all this Christophobia on the part of gay people who want to remove the right of god-fearing folk to discriminate, it’s easy to lose sight of an absolutely astonishing phenomenon taking place before our eyes – the slow but certain fact that homosexuality is becoming normal. No-big-dealization. What’s-the-wussitude. I’ll find the word some day. For now, being ORDINARY will do.

I remember once listening to Tales of the City author, Armistead Maupin, tell of the time he was with a gay baseball team that had gone somewhere to play the cops team and how they felt when they won. On the bus trip back, Maupin said, “There I was, a 36-year-old man sitting in the back of the bus and making out like a teenager.”

I’m not sure I’ve got the exact age and I may have the situation mixed up, but his point was clear. This was something he should have been able to do as a teenager, but couldn’t, and he was making up for lost time.

A lot of us resonate with that story. We look back at our youth and feel a sadness at the hole there where we were left out. We were deprived of the chance to experience the normal awkwardness of first love, and satisfying explanations for what the hormones were doing to us.

In the 1950s when I was in high school, while most of my friends were swooning over love songs and movie stars, sex for me was like the cheese in a mousetrap – one careless nibble and I was a goner. Don’t want to press it, but mousiness is not an unrealistic metaphor.

Gay kids today don’t all have it easy. Dustin Lance Black’s speech at the Oscars brought home the fact that they still have to fight the relentless bombardment of messages that they are “less than,” as he put it. But from my perspective, dealing with the tragic abuse by church, government and family that homophobia comes down to, is a whole lot easier by far when you’ve got the right posters and photos you can hang on your bedroom wall.

Much has been made of the fact that black kids all over America now have a model in Barack Obama their parents never had. It’s working. Have you ever seen so many African-Americans waving the stars and stripes before? They know they belong. Models are tremendously important.

Less conspicuous is what a gay black couple can do for gay black kids. I recently came across a picture of Keith Boykin and Nathan Hale Williams, who have apparently found each other. What a couple of beautiful people, I thought to myself. Well, yes. They are beautiful people. Black people. Gay people.

Two lawyers, no less. Keith Boykin went to law school at Harvard with Barack Obama. He also was the most prominent gay person in the Clinton Administration. Today he is an articulate supporter of Obama, and he edits his own political journal, The Daily Voice. Nathan Hale Williams is a model turned producer who also went to law school.

Like Armistead Maupin, suddenly I found myself the other day trying to catch up, not making out in the back of a bus, but googling around for gossip like a love-struck teenager in love with love, swimming with the beautiful people and the fantasy of Hollywood fame and riches and unending delights.

OK. Not really. But allow me a little rhetorical excess here.

My point is there are places to go for young people today to exercise their fantasies. Their dreams don’t have to end in mousetrap images any more. The church still continues to fail them, but they’ve got Dustin Lance Black to remind them God loves them. The government is much of the time a cipher to them, but it is increasingly less hostile. And now there is Keith and Nathan.

For that matter, Armistead Maupin married his partner Christopher in Canada in 2007. It’s never too late. Lt. Sulu (George Takei, now in his 70s) of the original Star Trek married Brad Altman in June of last year. The wedding – a quick aside here for Star Trek fans - had Chekov (Walter Koenig) as best man and Lt. Uhura (Nichelle Nichols) as matron of honor.

And for folks who think they were born to Darth Vadar, even the real Darth Vadar (Dick Cheney), it turns out, has a daughter in a lesbian marriage.

The beautiful people models are everywhere. Marc Jacobs of France and Lorenzo Martone of Brazil, for example.

And T. R. Knight and Mark Cornelsen.

And Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka.

Stop it, already. I get the picture.

But you don’t, if you’re old and you remember “I thought people like that killed themselves.”

That’s what the good folk of California are missing when they think there is a “reasonable” argument to Prop. 8 and “people have a right to vote their conscience.”

Whether they have a right to vote away gay people’s civil rights is currently loudly contested. But behind the desire for marriage, which is – make no mistake about it, very real – is all the stuff that leads up to it. Including the right to be fourteen years old and leaf through magazines and dream that someday you too can be one of the beautiful people.

Somebody once said that the greatest of all freedoms in a democracy is the freedom to be stupid. Not a noble goal, obviously, but an important one when you consider it simply means you need not be afraid to stick your neck out. You can recover from your mistakes and experimentation and risk are positive things.

Wanting to be one of the beautiful people isn’t noble either. It’s ordinary.

Ordinary is not the final goal.

But it is where the starting line should be.